I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
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Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
😂😂
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.