I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
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“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.