I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
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“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
let’s discuss
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.