@Quartzjixler: I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶 Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman? Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
@hazelmotes1: Me: my best friend is my wife Everyone: awwww My Best Friend Carl: FOR THE LAST TIME, I AM NOT YOUR WIFE
@TheTweetOfGod: The Vatican just deleted all the Pope's tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
@david8hughes: [sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye] "Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."