@hazelmotes1: I got fired on my first day as a paramedic for trying to revive everyone with true love's first kiss.
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@TrainedHedonist: Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I'm like, "what is wrong with me??" because I just got my car washed.
@briangaar: Donald Trump is basically the villain in every anime so I assume he'll be defeated by a 13-year-old boy in short pants
@Shanehasabeard: "Your résumé says you've been to prison?" Me: Sorry, that's a mistake "So you haven't?" Me: I have, I just didn't mean to put it on there
@Brentweets: If you can't handle me at my worst that makes sense and I'm sorry for setting your house on fire.