I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
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Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Where’s my employee discount too?
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*