I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
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No regrets in 2018
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Am I having a stroke?
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.