IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
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Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
i would wish you the best but i am the best
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
scrabbled eggs
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing