I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
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I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.