My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
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#Caturday
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”