I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
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*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
“and how does that make you feel?”
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us