I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
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[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them