I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
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I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?