I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
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I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I鈥檓 saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn鈥檛 my finger.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don鈥檛 even have fingers.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Maybe I鈥檒l make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I鈥檒l make pancakes for dinner.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Ooops wrong house馃槀馃槣
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Wife: I鈥檓 leaving you
Me: is it because I won鈥檛 stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 馃檭
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: 鈥hat
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares