I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
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A French press is when you hug naked
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board