I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
You Might Also Like
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Important reminders
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
The old gods are rising again.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!