Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
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So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.