I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
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if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
awkward
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.