@imteddybless: I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
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@tigersgoroooar: Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like "ok who did that"
@JohnLyonTweets: That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
@thedad: Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother Wife: see what I mean? Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point