I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
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Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
When you can’t find your friend Neil
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
an airline just for babies.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”