I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
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When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Need this in my life lol
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.