I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
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i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from