I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
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You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Try and stop me.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.