I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
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principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
[montage of me giving-up]
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes