I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
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tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots