Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
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*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”