*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
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me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
I hope google does well on my son’s test
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Bros before Ohioes
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people