Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
May never get over this
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
What flavor cupcake are these
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
My purse is deeper than some people.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”