I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
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love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
When you kidnap a writer.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.