I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
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Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.