@pharmasean: I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
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@PaperWash: Things more likely to kill you than Ebola: - choking on a wheat thin - erotic asphyxiation - falling off the toilet - a duck with a gun
@steveolivas: I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me. It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
@DaddyBeerGuy: Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear... You're better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
@DancesWithTamis: "Hola! I'm Señor Coconut, children" [cracks head on the pavement. Children scream] "Drink me. Drink me. I'm full of vitamins and minerals"