Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
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my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
first you must answer his riddles
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself