I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
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Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.