I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
You Might Also Like
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.