I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
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I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.