I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
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I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I’m too immature for adultery.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her