I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
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~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Pickled cat.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…