I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
You Might Also Like
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
don’t we all
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?