I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
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Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-