I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
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“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?