I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
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Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?