Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
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They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.