I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
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[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
😍😂🥰😂😍
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS