I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
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I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Mood.. 😂
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies