I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
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ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
You when you started twitter vs. you now.