I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
You Might Also Like
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.