I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
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Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
i love modern commerce
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion