Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
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Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Yes
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
She was REALLY feeling it.