I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
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What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.