I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
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I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.