I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
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Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.