The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
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I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Good morning y’all ☀️
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.