I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
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My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Not helping
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.